Sunday, March 22, 2009

I miss...........

I kids being little, they grew up too fast. Rachel lives next door. Which is very cool, but my sons are too far away. Jeremy lives in Colorado. I am lucky if I get to see him every two years, sometimes it is longer than that. Jason doesn't really live anywhere right now, he travels. ALOT. I haven't seen him for a year on April 15th. That is too long. I think now that I am over 50, my kids should have yearly family reunions. We need each other. We've all been very close and this being separated by so many miles.....SUCKS. Now there are grand children. I only get to spend time with one. And I had to move to Hawaii to be able to do that.
I miss......Micah and Maya, my other grandkids. I don't like being the grandma that doesn't see her grandkids very often. I don't like that Micah and Maya are growing up without really knowing me. Talking on the phone just isn't the same. I want to spend TIME. I want to feel those little arms wrap around my neck and those little bodies snuggle up to their Nana. I want to tell them stories and do goofy things with them. Thank goodness I get to do that with U'i. She is the light in my darkness. She is what makes it worth getting up in the morning. I doubt she knows that even though I tell her how much I love her. I don't think she can fathom just how much I miss her when she is gone.
I miss....U'i, when she goes away. Today she left to see her Dad during Spring Break. I hope she comes back happy and her regular funny, sweet self. The other times she has spent time with her Dad, she comes back surly, and sassy. It takes weeks, sometimes months for her to adjust. We have to hear all the negative things her dad spouts to her about her mom, and all of our family. It is sad. I miss my U'i when she is like that. She is like some alternate universe we don't know and who we long for until she comes back.
I miss my friends.................they live so far away. They lived far away before I moved to Hawaii. Moving here has not affected those relationships. I just miss that I used to be able to travel. To see my friends. To have a break.
I miss....... my husband being able to do things for himself.
I miss sex.........., and a husband/wife relationship. Much as I try to change it, my relationship is now that of a caregiver. Not on my part, that is how David sees me. There isn't anything else there. He doesn't make love to me, he tells me how much he loves me, but I don't feel it. I feel like I am just the maid, the nurse. Its sad.
I miss.......time for myself. I try to make time, but it is a precious commodity. Doesn't happen enough.
I miss.......writing. I make promises to do better. Wonder if it will happen this time around. All I can do is try. Not going to beat myself up about that.
Over and out....Kat was here.

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