Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Jason has a bumper sticker that says F_CK CANCER, except it is spelled out. I agree. Right now two of the men most important in my life have that curse. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Friday, October 16, 2009
My mom just called. My dad has lung cancer. Again. He had lung cancer 15 years ago and lost half of one lung. Now the other lung has cancer. They will operate and remove one lobe of his lung. I'm so scared. He is 81. Other than the other cancer he has always been in good health. He doesn't have a grey hair on his head, he looks like he is about 55-60, everyone thinks my mom is his mother, not his wife. I last saw Dad almost 2 years ago, for some reason at that time I had the feeling it was the last time I would ever see him. This past summer he had a gallbladder operation, at that time they first thought he was having a heart attack, but it wasn't one, it was a gall bladder attack. I was scared then too. It turned out ok. I am just hoping and praying this scare will turn out ok. They found this cancer thru routine tests, not from any symptoms. Please, God, spare my dad again, I'm not ready for him to go home to You.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Oct. 2, 2006. Seems like a long time ago in some respects and in other ways it seems like yesterday. That phone call. Jason, my middle child, second son. At the time he was just 31 years old. He had just had a call from the doctor. The doctor wanted him to come in to his office and talk about some test results. Jason said he wasn't going to go in, that the doctor could tell him on the phone. The doctor insisted, but my stubborn son refused and the doctor told him. Jason called to tell me that he had just gotten a death sentence. Glioblastoma multi-forme. He spelled it for me. I didn't know what it was. Jason said it was a tumor, in his brain. Inoperable. The doctor said it had been there awhile, that it was huge. The doctor told Jason that he had somewhere between 6 months and 18 months left to live.
It has been 3 years today. Part of me is still in shock. I still can't write or see that word, glioblastoma multi-forme, without my stomach sinking and my heart aching. I don't know why Jason is still alive. He looks and sounds better today than he has in years. We had many scares. Seizures, blackouts, hallucinations, huge weight loss. The fear that he would just commit suicide to spare anyone from having to care for him. Many, many tears shed by many friends and family. The prayers...from people who told me they are NOT in the habit of praying.
Jason tried a few strange remedies. I had some raw gold, he took one of the nuggets and kept it in his mouth for months. Gold is supposed to have healing properties. There was something about a cure from..... baking soda. I don't know what you do with it, and I don't know if he tried it. I do know that he seems better. He still has horrible headaches. He has some other form of cancer growing on the edges of his ears, something that looks sort of like califlour. He won't get them removed.
Jason thinks any touch of a scapel will cause his tumor to grow out of control. I don't know if he is right, but it is his life, his decision.
He applied to Harvard medical to be in a case study, but after the intial contact, we never heard from them again. Who knows why, maybe it was just not meant to be.
I know I am happy to have this borrowed time. I look at life different. I know that actually ALL time is borrowed time and we can't waste any of it. That doesn't mean to work to death, you CAN sit on a beach and enjoy the sunset and that is not a waste. I know that since that call, I do what I can to make the dreams that I have had come true. That is why I am back in Hawaii. I worked to make that desire come true, before it was too late. Jason travels....alot. He has reconnected to many friends that he had lost touch with. He works, still tattooing, still painting, still calling me late at night with his lastest philosophical thoughts. We laugh, we cry, we remember, but most of all we are thankful. The death sentence hasn't been repealed, but there is a reprieve. I just hope it lasts a long, long time.
If you are one of the prayers, or gave me support or encouragement, I want to thank you. Your virtual hugs, your phone calls, your prayers have meant more to my family than we can ever say. THANK YOU.