Monday, November 1, 2010

Walking through quicksand

Tomorrow will be a week. Tomorrow David's body is cremated. Today I started to sort through his things. Giving some things away, tossing out other things. Keeping a few cherished items. I'm not done, but I got a good start.
I feel as though I can barely lift one foot in front of the other. The nights are the worst. It is so quiet. Too quiet. I turned off the satellite tv. I never watched it anyway, but the sound was always there at night, as David loved his tv. All those cops shows, and the car shows. History channel. Stuff I would never pick to watch. But I heard it. And he was always saying, "Sweets, did you see that?" Of course I hadn't seen whatever it was, because I was on the computer or reading a book or doing some project. But I was there in the room with him and the tv. Now it is quiet. Soooo quiet. I could put music on, but every bit of music we own, David picked out. What I have listened to is worse than the quiet. Too many memories wrapped around each song. I'm selling the tv. I didn't watch tv most of my life, didn't even own one for at least 5 years before I met David.
Meanwhile, I try to slog thru the quicksand. In the quiet. I never knew how much this hurt for other people. I've never lost someone that I saw every day. Sure, friends and relatives have died....but those were distant deaths, I didn't live close to those people, I didn't see them, smell them, hear them every day. I haven't worked for 10 years. Spent a few years on the road with David, in our motorhome, going across the US. Then he had back surgery 4 years ago. Since then I have been with him.....24/7.....365 days a year. But I wasn't there when he fell forward and couldn't get up and suffocated. I wasn't there.


  1. You were with him, Kat. You weren't with him in a physical sense, but you were with him.

  2. Sugar Bean,

    You were with him much as you are always with me. You don't have to touch or see to be with them. You have already learned that by carrying around the love you feel for others.

    No words I can write here will assuage your grieving process because its yours alone to carry but, keep writing the process out because we need to understand what David's passing means to you. Another thing, by writing out the complicated feelings you have; then you are releasing not only yourself but David as well.

    Neither of you will be 'stuck.'

    Much love, and hugs are held within for you.

  3. Kat,

    You did what you both agreed to do... you took care of him as best a person could... I've read your posts through the years enough to know it was not an easy road to walk, but you both chose to walk it together. I'm sure David would not want you blaming yourself for not being able to "save" him from his fall.

    Losing someone with whom you have been day in and day out for such a long time, is hard. I know exactly what you mean about the music, the TV, the "reminders" of the living person, the living relationship, even with all of its warts and imperfections.

    It is still probably too soon after his passing to be able to sit back and admit, even enjoy, the fact that he HAD a good life, especially the last 12 years BECAUSE you both took that leap and made the commitment to share that road, no matter where it led.

    And, I believe he will always be with you, freer now, than ever in this world's physical constraints. Just know he wants you to be happy and to LIVE. Know also that you have many friends who will always take the time for you, to help you in the down times.


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